selfish selfish selfish

one of my friends cindy g and nat challenged me to examine my heart of why i was so anxious and fearful of facing each day with jonas. it started with unpredictability -> wanting control -> being selfish. i think deep at the roots, it's my sinful nature of being selfish. it boils down to this: i want to do what i want to do when i want to do it. i don't want anyone else to dictate my time. i want to be able to sleep when i want to sleep. i want to be able to hangout with nat when i want to and do what we want to do. the problem is, with a newborn you can't do what you want to do. your time is dictated by the baby and his needs. and it's tough.

God has definitely taught me to sean to let go of the control and selfish desires. by His grace and mercy we were able to get to a point with sean where he had a pretty good routine down. i was able to let go of some my selfish desires and adapt to doing some of the things i wanted to do around sean's schedule. it also helps that sean goes to bed at 7PM, so nat and i get some time to ourselves. that's been a big blessing.

now, we're back at square one, and God is teaching me again about letting go and not being selfish. in some ways, through prayer and early recognition of my fear and anxiety, things are easier. i've learned to do things while jonas is sleeping and sean is awake--like cleaning the house. i've also learned to be more ok with jonas being awake and my time being taken up with caring for him. it's still hard, don't get me wrong, but, it's getting easier.

i am still very selfish; i even pray that we'll be on a good routine in the next few months with jonas. i still get anxious about getting on a routine and being fearful of not sleep training well, but i have learned to relax a little bit more and give control to the Lord. it has made a big difference this week in my attitude towards the day and my children. i'm so thankful for cindy g and my other friends for their words of being prayerful (though at the time that's not what i wanted to her) and seeking the Lord. it has led to a change in my heart attitude rather than being frustrated and trying to force/change jonas (which would probably be very unsuccessful right now). :P