flattery

yesterday, we took jonas to get his 2-month checkup. it also turned out that our clinic was offering the h1n1 vaccine to high-risk people. we are considered high risk because we have a child under 6 months at home. anyways, the nurse that was giving me the shot said some things that i thought were very flattering:

• she said i looked too small for having a 9 week old.
  
• she told me life was never going to be the same after a child. i realized she thought jonas was my first, and i told her i had a 2-year old. she said i looked too young to have 2 kids.
• she asked how old i was after i told her i had 2 kids, i told her i was 30. she said i looked younger than 30.
  

that made my day, especially since i know i don't look my "best" right now taking care of a newborn.

charlie horse

me: man, my flu shot feels like i got a charlie horse.
nat: did i tell you that when i was in high school in germany, we used to give each other charlie horses for fun?
me: boys are dumb.
nat: yeah they are.

selfish selfish selfish

one of my friends cindy g and nat challenged me to examine my heart of why i was so anxious and fearful of facing each day with jonas. it started with unpredictability -> wanting control -> being selfish. i think deep at the roots, it's my sinful nature of being selfish. it boils down to this: i want to do what i want to do when i want to do it. i don't want anyone else to dictate my time. i want to be able to sleep when i want to sleep. i want to be able to hangout with nat when i want to and do what we want to do. the problem is, with a newborn you can't do what you want to do. your time is dictated by the baby and his needs. and it's tough.

God has definitely taught me to sean to let go of the control and selfish desires. by His grace and mercy we were able to get to a point with sean where he had a pretty good routine down. i was able to let go of some my selfish desires and adapt to doing some of the things i wanted to do around sean's schedule. it also helps that sean goes to bed at 7PM, so nat and i get some time to ourselves. that's been a big blessing.

now, we're back at square one, and God is teaching me again about letting go and not being selfish. in some ways, through prayer and early recognition of my fear and anxiety, things are easier. i've learned to do things while jonas is sleeping and sean is awake--like cleaning the house. i've also learned to be more ok with jonas being awake and my time being taken up with caring for him. it's still hard, don't get me wrong, but, it's getting easier.

i am still very selfish; i even pray that we'll be on a good routine in the next few months with jonas. i still get anxious about getting on a routine and being fearful of not sleep training well, but i have learned to relax a little bit more and give control to the Lord. it has made a big difference this week in my attitude towards the day and my children. i'm so thankful for cindy g and my other friends for their words of being prayerful (though at the time that's not what i wanted to her) and seeking the Lord. it has led to a change in my heart attitude rather than being frustrated and trying to force/change jonas (which would probably be very unsuccessful right now). :P

feeling the burn

after 5.5 weeks, i went to workout at the gym for the first time since jonas was born. i would have gone earlier, but my doctor wanted me to wait since i had a c-section. i did 20 minutes of cardio and one set of leg presses. nat cautioned me to take it easy and work myself up to what i used to do. :P so for now, i'm just going to go 3 days a week.

i must say, i feel that my stomach is the flattest that it's been since high school. i think working out "normally" during my pregnancy plus the extra calories burned while making jonas plus the gestational diabetes diet really helped me to lose the pregnancy weight and stay somewhat toned. i think it's kinda sad though that i feel i look my best right after i had a newborn. :P

juggling two

i've had my share of juggling two young children the past week and a half. now, i understand how mom's need to multitask! i've found myself nursing and eating dinner (or fixing dinner), nursing and holding a toddler, and holding a newborn and taking care of a toddler. i'm not supposed to be lifting anything heavier than jonas right now b/c of my c-section, but that's totally out the window with a 2 year old!

pre-pregnancy pants

i tried on my pre-pregnancy pants today and they fit! not only did they fit, they were a little bit loose! i couldn't believe it!

motherhood 201

our son, jonas, was born on 9/11, so he's a week old now. yay! how time does fly with the second (though sleepless nights are still pretty long).

today, i realized that motherhood 201, while at times is easier, can be just as hard as motherhood 101. for me, i know what to expect and that the difficult times will pass. i know that we can train our child and mold him, though it might take some time and effort. these things make a lot of the psychological aspect of parenting easier. i'm not as stressed (though i am still a little) about being a good parent or messing up my son.

what makes parenting 201 harder is that i have a different child. the things that worked for sean don't necessarily work for jonas. already, i can see how jonas and sean have different temperaments and schedules. because of this, there are times where i'm still asking myself, "what am i doing wrong? how come i don't know my child?" i know that God is using this time period to continue to show me to depend on Him solely as i have no control in jonas' life as a newborn. not only that, jonas is different from sean, so it's a whole new learning process of figuring out what works for jonas and his "schedule". there have been many days this week, especially ones like today where we had a long night, where i have asked a lot of the same questions as when i was a mom for the first time--"is this normal? am i doing something wrong? am i doing a good job as a mom?" and ironically, i've been writing e-mails to new moms recently to encourage them through their times of doubt with these same questions. in fact, nat has used my same words to encourage me the past couple of days. i thank God that i'm married to nat and what a source of encouragement and strength he is during this fragile time for me. and i thank God that He is sustaining me and giving me just what i can handle at this time. i will say, i am so thankful that sean is taking the transition to his brother well, and that sean doesn't wake up to his little brother's loud cries in the middle of the night. i know that this is just God's grace to me to help me through this period.

despite my difficulties, i have found that i am more laid back with jonas. i am enjoying my time with him as a newborn more. i have to remember to also treasure and spend my time well with sean. i know that this time period will pass, so i pray that God will help me enjoy as much as this time as i can.