control

if you like being in control, don't have children. if you want God to grow and stretch you in ways that you can't possibly imagine, have children.

the past few days, i've almost had a spiritual and emotional meltdown. why? because sean has decided not to take naps from thursday - sunday (with the exception of saturday). i know, it seems trivial, and God hinted at that to me when our friends went into labor at 30 weeks with twins (the twins are tiny but doing fine). i wondered why it bothered me so much, and yesterday at small group, i realized it's because i like predictability, i like control, i like routine. and like sandy told me last night, God has blessed me immeasurably with these things with sean for a long time (sandy was surprised it was so long). however, in a span of 4 days, i felt completely out of control. i wondered if i was doing something wrong. i wondered if i even knew sean at all if i couldn't get him to nap. and God really broke me using such a simple thing. as nat prayed for my heart last night as we fell asleep, i wept. i didn't like being anxious and fretting over something so minor. i wanted to be ok with change and unpredictability, but i couldn't let it just roll off my back.

i feel that God is teaching me the same lesson as He did when i first struggled with sean's sleep habits as a newborn -- let go of control; people are unique and change and that's ok. i am still struggling with this idea (i woke up anxious and nervous this morning), but i am seeking the Lord to help me through this time. He has been gracious to me today and sean is down for a nap, but even if he didn't take one, i have been praying that i would be ok with this new sean and not let it get to me so much.