letting go and letting God
i hate not being in control of things mostly because i'm a worrywart by nature. i can get myself very anxious and worked up about the worst possible scenarios. God is definitely refining me throughout this whole pregnancy process. never have i felt so out of control in my life, and it has caused me to worry a lot. i've worried mostly about miscarrying at various stages of my pregnancy b/c other women i known have miscarried in all trimesters.
this week has been especially hard for me b/c my friend's niece didn't feel the baby moving and eventually had to give birth to a stillborn child. :( i've been very anxious to feel our baby's movement this week and feel especially nervous when i don't feel it moving (which usually isn't a terribly long time period, but it feels like forever!). i'm also more nervous now about going to san jose for my conference b/c i'm afraid that something will happen while i'm gone. i know, i'm crazy!
the Lord has been kind and gracious with me, reminding me of His promises and comforting me throughout this time. the verse that He reminds me most of is psalm 139:16: "your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." it's comforting to know that God has seen baby's unformed body and ordained ALL the days (however many) for it. and today, God gently reminded me of matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" i'm still working on completely letting go of my self-controling desire and anxiety, but i'm glad to see how God is working in me through this time.
posted by Ramona @ 7:12 PM
3 Comments:
I am reminded of something I read today by Hauerwas: "For to be out of control means Christians can risk trusting in gifts, as they have no reason to deny the contingent character of our existence".
thanks darthscsi for that quote. i like the part about "can risk trusting in gifts".
I lost 2 children to miscarriage. Although the disappointment and grief were tremendous, truthfully I am thankful for those experiences.
Now wait a mintue. I am not a monster, nor a sadist. I am so sorry to have missed out on knowing those little ones. The grief was really too intense for internet conversation.
But those have been the sweetest times of personal relationship with Jesus I have ever known. He was so close to me, sustaining me, carrying me, comforting me, breathing the will to live back into me again. It is that sweetness that I am thankful for, and I am not sure I would give it up to have those dear ones back, if someone somehow were able to give me that choice (which, of course, they cannot).
All this to say, that the weeks following the loss of those two babies were some of the sweetest times of communion with Christ in my grief that I have ever experienced, and I treasure them.
Egana
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