motherhood 101

our son was born on 7/31 @ 2:55AM. sean nathanael weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz and was 18.5 inches long. :)

motherhood has been a pretty tough ride for me so far. it's come hard and fast, and i've felt so unprepared. other mother's can tell you what it's like, but i don't think you understand until you're actually experiencing it. the first 2 days at the hospital were good, though we were tired. when we came home, it became rough. the hormones started hitting, the anxiety started building, and the sleep deprivation set in. all those thing in combo took a real toll on me spiritually and emotionally. i called many friends (mostly mothers) bawling, saying that i can't do this motherhood thing and that it was too hard for me. i felt like i was going crazy. to make matters worse, i felt so indifferent towards sean--i didn't have that elation or strong connection with him, which is what i totally expected.

despite this rough and tumble start, it has gotten better. God has really refined me during this time and taught me to trust in Him even when it's rough and my prayers go unanswered for a period of time. i've learned to call to Him when i'm anxious and worried, and i've been blessed by how He's responded. He has given me more peace about the sleep deprivation, given me the ability to fall asleep, surrounded me with friends and family to support me, relieved some of my anxiety, helped me to connect with my son and find joy in him, and so much more. God has truly been my rock during this time, and i pray that i will continue to lean on Him throughout motherhood. even in writing this post, God has lifted my anxious thoughts from dinner and given me a sense of peace and hope for the sleep deprived night tonight. :)

God has been so gracious to me with my mom. she has been such a BIG help this week and i think i'm a little bit anxious to see her leave next tuesday. she has served my family with such generosity and love that i am speechless. she has cooked meals, cleaned, done laundry, played with sean, consoled me, and so much more during this time. basically, all i've had to do is feed sean and take care of myself, and my mom has done the rest. i'm so thankful for her and her love! i hope that i show her the kind of selflessness and generosity. i love you so much mom!