"holding my breath and let God take control"

after two backyard grillouts yesterday, i realized that i am not letting God take control of our family planning. i've made my own plans, and i'm assuming that all will go smoothly. after all, we've gone to pre-conception counseling, we want to start a family, we're both young and healthy, we're financially ok, we might have a little bit more time now to handle young babies (specifically while nat is in grad school and before he nat starts a job), and people have told us that we'd be great parents. what's the problem?

the problem that i've lost sight of God in our family planning. i know that it is wise to make plans, but at the same time, i have to be willing to give control to the Lord. i've lost sight of handing these well-made plans over to Him. having a conversation with lisa helped me realize that. i asked her if they had planned on getting pregnant so early (they were married last year in august, and expecting their first in october/november). she told me, "well, we weren't planning either way. we figured, when God knew we were ready, that He'd bless us". it was such a profound and truth-filled statement that i needed to hear.

if i continued to go down the path of expecting my plans to come to fruition, that road may be filled with many frustrations and disappointments. each month might be filled with careful calcuations of when i'm ovulating followed by disappointment because the pregnancy test turns out negative. that kind of disappointment would prove very damaging to my relationship with nat and God. no longer would our marriage be about enjoying one another and being one with God, but rather just on pro-creation. sex no longer would be about love-making, but about baby-making. i can see so vividly how my hurt, disappointment, and frustration would manifest itself by my lashing out at nat and God.

i praise God for revealing this to me now. i know that nat has been worried about how my intensity for wanting a family may negatively impact our marriage and dependence on God, though he has never told me. so my "new plan" is to hold my breath and let God take control. my new vision of family planning is "not my will, but God's will", which means no birth control and no careful calculations of ovulations. i'm just going to enjoy my time with God and nat. if God blesses us with conception, PRAISE THE LORD! if He doesn't, PRAISE THE LORD!