"holding my breath and let God take control"

after two backyard grillouts yesterday, i realized that i am not letting God take control of our family planning. i've made my own plans, and i'm assuming that all will go smoothly. after all, we've gone to pre-conception counseling, we want to start a family, we're both young and healthy, we're financially ok, we might have a little bit more time now to handle young babies (specifically while nat is in grad school and before he nat starts a job), and people have told us that we'd be great parents. what's the problem?

the problem that i've lost sight of God in our family planning. i know that it is wise to make plans, but at the same time, i have to be willing to give control to the Lord. i've lost sight of handing these well-made plans over to Him. having a conversation with lisa helped me realize that. i asked her if they had planned on getting pregnant so early (they were married last year in august, and expecting their first in october/november). she told me, "well, we weren't planning either way. we figured, when God knew we were ready, that He'd bless us". it was such a profound and truth-filled statement that i needed to hear.

if i continued to go down the path of expecting my plans to come to fruition, that road may be filled with many frustrations and disappointments. each month might be filled with careful calcuations of when i'm ovulating followed by disappointment because the pregnancy test turns out negative. that kind of disappointment would prove very damaging to my relationship with nat and God. no longer would our marriage be about enjoying one another and being one with God, but rather just on pro-creation. sex no longer would be about love-making, but about baby-making. i can see so vividly how my hurt, disappointment, and frustration would manifest itself by my lashing out at nat and God.

i praise God for revealing this to me now. i know that nat has been worried about how my intensity for wanting a family may negatively impact our marriage and dependence on God, though he has never told me. so my "new plan" is to hold my breath and let God take control. my new vision of family planning is "not my will, but God's will", which means no birth control and no careful calculations of ovulations. i'm just going to enjoy my time with God and nat. if God blesses us with conception, PRAISE THE LORD! if He doesn't, PRAISE THE LORD!

reality smacks me in the face

nat sent in his paperwork indicating that he is currently a student and will be a student in the fall for the third time this week. this time, it seems the german goverment will be satisfied (someone else sent the same paperwork to the same company, and he got his permit this week) . third time's the charm. so now, it is beginning to hit me that nat is really leaving soon. part of me wants to be selfish and say, "stay, don't go!", but i know that it will be good. good because:

• God opened the door for this wonderful opportunity for nat to grow academically.
• God provided a friend and brother in Christ that is going to the same company and city during the summer.
• it is an opportunity for us to grow in our communication, which i think will help grow in our intimacy.
• an opportunity for me to focus my time in growing with God and relationships with friends.

a second reality smack: we went to pre-conception counseling yesterday. as facts were being thrown at me about how to prepare to have a baby and having a baby, i realized that our "plans" will be turning into follow through in the fall or the winter. the details of having a baby also hit home of how much life is going to change after we have one, if God blesses us with the ability to. it is also the 2nd time in the past year, where i've been told if you knew what you were getting into, you'd never have a child (the first being marriage). both require humbling yourself, sacrificing, being generous, giving, etc. but only by the strength and grace of God can i be able to do any of those things! :)

and just as a last random thing to post, i found out that my pastor has a blog: as a blog returns to it vomit. one of my favorite posts has been about the "profaning Bible study" (may 16). :)

"ramona road, there must be something good down there"

that's what my husband said as we drove on the highway to get breakfast on our last day in LA. we were in LA to watch my brother graduate from USC. so there are a few things that i liked about LA:

• good cheap asian food
• shopping
• good variety of food
• asian bakeries
• bin bin
  

there were also things that i did not like about LA:

• paying for parking
• smog
• traffic
• how far away things are in LA
• attitude/culture of so. cal -- it seemed to be about image and money

all in all, it was a good trip. i got to hang out with my family, meet my brother's girlfriend, and relax a little bit.

well, our crazy trip taking is finally starting to wind down. i can't wait to spend just a weekend at home relaxing! =)

for i know the plans i have for you

i didn't get into the teaching program that i applied for: "Although you are a strong candidate, ---- has decided not to invite you to the program because of your uncertainty about leaving Champaign for you internship year."

for this specific program, i needed to teach in the Chicago public school district for a year. i knew this before i applied, i expressed my concern up front to one of the program members, but i was encouraged to apply. anyways, during my interview a few weeks ago, i expressed my hesitancy again b/c of (1) being far away from nat for a year (2) teaching by myself in the Chicago public schools (3) possibly starting a family at the end of the year.

i know that i could have been less up front with my hesitancy, but i felt that God wanted me to be honest and up front, especially since the program would pay my education. and this morning, i felt that God was affirming my decision with ephesians 4:25: "therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."

i was pretty sure that i had closed the door on the opportunity with my honesty in the interview, but it's still a little hard to find out i didn't get in. this is the first time that i've really been excited about a program and career. right now, I'm not sure what the future holds. on the one hand I'd like to start a family before 30, and on the other hand i'd like to get certified to teach. if we start a family, i feel that i won't have time to go to class and get certified until later. i wonder if i'll be able to go through classes and all those things later. if i wait to apply again for 2007, i feel that i should wait to have kids until later. i don't know why "before 30" is my goal, but i'm realizing that i'll have to surrender all my plans to God.

so, right now, i'm needing to look for a job right now. i don't think we could realistically live off nat's grad student stipend. i'm not sure what kind of jobs are out here in champaign-urbana, but i'd like to get a teaching-related job. but i also know that i will probably have to broaden my horizons and look for jobs related to my MS degrees. i'm also not sure if i should continue looking into getting certified or apply to other programs at the moment. but this morning, i reminded myself that life is an adventure that God takes you on. and His plans, even in His surprises, are exciting and good. so, i'm trying my best to suppress my innate nature of freaking out and feeling like i have to look for a job right now. =)

i was wondering if any of you had experience with alternative certification and if you could tell me about it. also, i was wondering if you had any ideas or lead of any jobs, both teaching-related or human-computer interaction/human factors jobs, in the champaign-urbana area? thanks for your help!

15 minutes of fame

so nat is famous, at least on a few websites: pcworld.com, technewsworld.com, engaget.com, etc.
fortunately, nat is not letting his fame get to his head. he's actually pretty nervous that his research is getting so much coverage. but regardless, i'm so proud of him. :)