"zjok swee" (very beautiful)

recently, my grandfather passed away of cancer in taiwan. originally, my mom and her family had thought that he would have 3-6 months to live; it turned out it was only about 6 weeks. luckily i had a chance to talk to my grandfather for a little bit a few weeks before he passed away while he was semi-lucid and able to recognize who i was. i didn't understand most of the conversation b/c he was speaking in taiwanese, but i did understand when he called his great-grandson "zjok swee" which means very beautiful.

since that conversation, i haven't really been thinking about my grandpa and his funeral b/c i'm partially in a state of denial. in my mind, my grandpa is still the healthy grandpa that loved to take walks in the park, ride his moped, get breakfast for our family when we visited in taiwan, write calligraphy, watch japanese tv, and tell stories. part of me wants to be able to go to the funeral to face reality and mourn with the family, but the other part of me is happy to remember the healthy grandpa rather than seeing the cancer-riddened grandpa.

even if i can't quite grasp the reality of my grandpa dying, i am very thankful that i was able to travel to taiwan as often as i did to spend time with him.

blog-o-rific

i've come to realize that not many people know about the other blogs that i have out there: a family blog and a blog about sean.

honesty: is it the best policy?

i've had some people tell me they appreciate the honesty and openness of my posts on my blog. this week, my friend wrote me an e-mail the other day about how she really liked how honest i am about motherhood. i've been wondering, even before the e-mail, if my openness is such a good thing. particularly, i wonder if my posts about motherhood are edifying? (i feel that it might discourage and scare some women away from wanting to have children)

consumed....

current idol: worrying about being a good parent*
symptoms: reading lots of websites, calling people for advice, not getting a lot done outside of laundry, taking care of sean, and eating
conviction: nat this morning, "didn't we agree last night that you should read the Bible before you read anymore websites"
prayer: God, please forgive me for placing parenthood before You. help me to remember that 1) i can't do this without You, 2) You have blessed me to be sean's mom and with You everything will be ok, 3) to be thankful and cherish the current days and moments instead of worrying about things of the future, 4) that i am sinful and imperfect and i won't always make the right decision with sean, but that's ok. Lord, help me to focus on You and the Gospel so that i may see that my current idol pales in comparison to knowing You. my desire is to set my mind on things above, but i am failing Lord. please help me have the desire and focus of killing my sin and becoming more Christlike. Jesus, i need You this hour and every hour. amen.

* i've seen so many great examples of parents out there (i.e. many of you that read this blog) that love the Lord and aren't consumed like i am with parenthood. i praise God for these examples and the encouragement it brings to me.

a sure thing

i've been really battling feeling confident as a mom lately. yesterday, i cried 3+ times because i felt so unsure of myself as a mom--unsure that i was doing a good job, unsure of being able to read sean's cues, unsure that i was making the right choices for sean, unsure if i was interacting and playing with him enough, etc. it wears me down emotionally when i get down on myself. God used nat, once again, to console me. he told me i was doing a good job (and not just b/c he had to) and basically told me to extend myself some grace and relax. he also helped me put things in perspective and said, "ramona, you should really take care of yourself first, and then take care of sean. i'm hear to share the burden of parenthood with you; you don't have to do it all by yourself". did i mention how much i love my husband and how God is so good to me to provide him for me? it's like God knew exactly what kind of husband i needed!

as i've thought more about my confidence issues as a mom, God has been putting the words, "My hope is built on nothing less Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name" in my head. i think God is telling me to put my confidence and hope as a mom in Jesus, and that it's ok if i don't do everything perfect (which, of course, i can't!) b/c i can lean on Jesus! :)