Always Only For My King

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King. Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee. Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold. Take my intellect and use every power as You choose. Here am I, all of me. Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

if i could turn back time

i love sean a lot, and as the weeks have gone by, i've learn to love and adore him more and more. even with that, there have been times where i wish i could go back to the times where sean hadn't come out yet. i miss the times where it was just nat and i. i miss getting nat's undivided attention as the "most important" person in his life (minus God/Jesus). i miss the footloose and fancy free life. i miss having to be less responsible.

despite all these things, i see how God is working in my life. it used to be that i never knew how selfish i was until i got married. now, i really know how selfish i am having to serve my son. God continues to refine me by being a mom. i need to remember to be thankful and joyful of the times i had just being a wife and also to be thankful for this time period as well. :)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

in control

God has made me step outside my comfort zone with this beloved child. predictability, organization, patterns, routine, being in control--these are the things that make me comfortable. throw in a newborn, and voila, immediately outside of my comfort zone. sure, there have been days where sean has exhibited some routine, but then he changes. "roll with the punches" many moms have advised me. i try my best to "roll", but being flexible and dynamic has been difficult. that is where my need of God to go through this time period has been so evident. i want sean to follow the "textbook" newborn--a predictable feeding pattern and sleep schedule, hitting growth spurts at the right week for the right amount of time, etc. but sean isn't a machine, he's a human with his own unique style. i am learning (and need to learn) to embrace this uniqueness and celebrate it with joy, even if it causes me to have sleepless nights. :P

i would appreciate your prayers during this time, to really surrender my expectations and control to God and just really "roll with the punches". i know that as i surrender, i will become less anxious and tense. :)

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

motherhood 101

our son was born on 7/31 @ 2:55AM. sean nathanael weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz and was 18.5 inches long. :)

motherhood has been a pretty tough ride for me so far. it's come hard and fast, and i've felt so unprepared. other mother's can tell you what it's like, but i don't think you understand until you're actually experiencing it. the first 2 days at the hospital were good, though we were tired. when we came home, it became rough. the hormones started hitting, the anxiety started building, and the sleep deprivation set in. all those thing in combo took a real toll on me spiritually and emotionally. i called many friends (mostly mothers) bawling, saying that i can't do this motherhood thing and that it was too hard for me. i felt like i was going crazy. to make matters worse, i felt so indifferent towards sean--i didn't have that elation or strong connection with him, which is what i totally expected.

despite this rough and tumble start, it has gotten better. God has really refined me during this time and taught me to trust in Him even when it's rough and my prayers go unanswered for a period of time. i've learned to call to Him when i'm anxious and worried, and i've been blessed by how He's responded. He has given me more peace about the sleep deprivation, given me the ability to fall asleep, surrounded me with friends and family to support me, relieved some of my anxiety, helped me to connect with my son and find joy in him, and so much more. God has truly been my rock during this time, and i pray that i will continue to lean on Him throughout motherhood. even in writing this post, God has lifted my anxious thoughts from dinner and given me a sense of peace and hope for the sleep deprived night tonight. :)

God has been so gracious to me with my mom. she has been such a BIG help this week and i think i'm a little bit anxious to see her leave next tuesday. she has served my family with such generosity and love that i am speechless. she has cooked meals, cleaned, done laundry, played with sean, consoled me, and so much more during this time. basically, all i've had to do is feed sean and take care of myself, and my mom has done the rest. i'm so thankful for her and her love! i hope that i show her the kind of selflessness and generosity. i love you so much mom!