charlie horse

me: man, my flu shot feels like i got a charlie horse.
nat: did i tell you that when i was in high school in germany, we used to give each other charlie horses for fun?
me: boys are dumb.
nat: yeah they are.

selfish selfish selfish

one of my friends cindy g and nat challenged me to examine my heart of why i was so anxious and fearful of facing each day with jonas. it started with unpredictability -> wanting control -> being selfish. i think deep at the roots, it's my sinful nature of being selfish. it boils down to this: i want to do what i want to do when i want to do it. i don't want anyone else to dictate my time. i want to be able to sleep when i want to sleep. i want to be able to hangout with nat when i want to and do what we want to do. the problem is, with a newborn you can't do what you want to do. your time is dictated by the baby and his needs. and it's tough.

God has definitely taught me to sean to let go of the control and selfish desires. by His grace and mercy we were able to get to a point with sean where he had a pretty good routine down. i was able to let go of some my selfish desires and adapt to doing some of the things i wanted to do around sean's schedule. it also helps that sean goes to bed at 7PM, so nat and i get some time to ourselves. that's been a big blessing.

now, we're back at square one, and God is teaching me again about letting go and not being selfish. in some ways, through prayer and early recognition of my fear and anxiety, things are easier. i've learned to do things while jonas is sleeping and sean is awake--like cleaning the house. i've also learned to be more ok with jonas being awake and my time being taken up with caring for him. it's still hard, don't get me wrong, but, it's getting easier.

i am still very selfish; i even pray that we'll be on a good routine in the next few months with jonas. i still get anxious about getting on a routine and being fearful of not sleep training well, but i have learned to relax a little bit more and give control to the Lord. it has made a big difference this week in my attitude towards the day and my children. i'm so thankful for cindy g and my other friends for their words of being prayerful (though at the time that's not what i wanted to her) and seeking the Lord. it has led to a change in my heart attitude rather than being frustrated and trying to force/change jonas (which would probably be very unsuccessful right now). :P

feeling the burn

after 5.5 weeks, i went to workout at the gym for the first time since jonas was born. i would have gone earlier, but my doctor wanted me to wait since i had a c-section. i did 20 minutes of cardio and one set of leg presses. nat cautioned me to take it easy and work myself up to what i used to do. :P so for now, i'm just going to go 3 days a week.

i must say, i feel that my stomach is the flattest that it's been since high school. i think working out "normally" during my pregnancy plus the extra calories burned while making jonas plus the gestational diabetes diet really helped me to lose the pregnancy weight and stay somewhat toned. i think it's kinda sad though that i feel i look my best right after i had a newborn. :P

juggling two

i've had my share of juggling two young children the past week and a half. now, i understand how mom's need to multitask! i've found myself nursing and eating dinner (or fixing dinner), nursing and holding a toddler, and holding a newborn and taking care of a toddler. i'm not supposed to be lifting anything heavier than jonas right now b/c of my c-section, but that's totally out the window with a 2 year old!